Friday, 13 March 2009
Roses & Butterflies as the roses lift their heads
to catch a glimpse of my demise
you'll be throwing lies around like
ocean waves throw down the tides
and they are breaking on my shore
and the rescue team won't save me now
I'm out too far
i think today might possibly be the saddest day of my life. i'm becoming someone else of late i'm not too sure who i am now i'm not too sure where i've gone nor where i'm going just take me away far far away to be anywhere else but here. today i was so close to breaking down and sobbing my heart out but somehow i can't not anymore the most i could do was to cry a little and let my eyes well up in wet tears and have a tear or two trickle down my red burning cheeks as much as i would very much like a good cry i need to release i would like to squish myself into a little corner hug my knees to myself sob my heart out for hours and hours till my eyes are so red and swollen it hurts to keep them open and i become so exhausted and fatigued the only thing i can do is to keep my eyes closed and fall asleep. i've been having trouble with sleep lately. i can't live without at least a bottle and some more to drink to cause a fuzzy mind and uncoordinated limbs and red patchy itchy skin and haunting eyes and that puts me to sleep though i usually end up spending mornings in the toilet but it's okay.
tonight my thoughts were running round and round in circles over and over again it was making me giddy so i had to drink i had to drink till i could no longer think till i could no longer rationalise till my brain felt like it was left behind somewhere till i could no longer hear the same thoughts the same questions echoing into the empty walls of my head. it didn't work much so i started seeking i needed answers i had too many questions i wondered too much i needed answers i wanted answers and so i spent hours reading through the emails the conversations i didn't read them all though they would probably take days there's just far too much. somehow somewhere sometime something changed things changed people changed what was once isn't so anymore. i want to know why! did i do something wrong? did i say something wrong? was it my fault? was it me? why have things turned out this way? why have we become like this? are you by any chance mad at me because of that? or do you no longer care anymore? if its my fault for anything at all i wish i could say i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry please don't go.
i don't want to be rational i don't want to be wise i don't want to be mature i don't want to be smart i don't want to think with my head i don't want to be understanding i don't want to be strong i don't care if the whole world objects i just want to be the world's greatest fool i just want to be selfish i just want to be stubborn i just want to be silly i just want to be greedy i just want to be willful i just want us to continue in the way we used to be you can make fun of me you can be mean you can even have someone else i don't care just don't don't talk to me don't leave me all alone here by myself i'm scared. would there one day come a day whereby you'll not want to talk to me anymore? why won't you talk to me anymore? why won't you stay for my sake anymore? why won't you share your life your past your present your future your dreams your loves your hopes your stories everything with me anymore? why don't you tell me that you're happy to talk to me anymore? why won't you smile at me anymore? why won't you bother about me anymore? have we come to a point that you'll never want to tell me anything anymore?
the past 2 months or so have been to me the happiest i've ever been ever! i was under a blanket of simple pure joy it was just bliss and happiness nothing could dampen my mood nothing could bring me down i was top of the world happy i was so happy my life was perfect i was just so happy. but today where has all that gone to has happiness eluded me today. my past my present my future my dreams my hopes my memories my days my loves everything that i have who do i tell them to now if you're not here anymore i would do anything anything at all to turn the clock back to when we were happy when we would type till our fingers became sore and debated over our very differing views and still end up with no conclusion when time does go back till then i wish the clock would stand still i would like to be there forever and ever to smile when i see your name in my inbox to call you xxx and have you call me your xxx and to have you tell me i'm full of nonsense whenever i start my gibberish that makes no sense and to hear your shocking stories and tell you my funny stories and to talk to you forever and ever for all of eternity and it would never be five o'clock and we would never have to say goodbye.
you were so close to my Perfect Man you knew what i wanted you knew what i was looking for you were the only one who could make me smile sometimes laugh other times but be happy everytime you were the only one i felt absolutely certain i could tell everything to the happy the sad the beautiful the ugly the significant the insignificant the silly the embarrassing i told them all i'm not asking for much i don't want anything from you i don't expect anything from you i'm even okay that you didn't keep your promise to me i really am okay i don't want anything just don't stop talking to me just don't leave me alone just don't end this once and for all just don't let this be the end will you? i don't want to say goodbye. if the person who gives you the greatest happiness leaves you one day can you ever be happy? i
was happy.
♥ princessj*<311:56 pm