Saturday, 27 February 2010
Where are you? 
after all that has been said and done if everything goes according to plan i would be flying to Houston and Paris next month for work. i suppose every single person who knows me knows i am obsessed over Paris and the Eiffel Tower and now that i'm actually going to Paris i should be insanely happy and ecstatic shouldn't i? but you know what i'm not i'm actually rather indifferent as to whether i'll be going or not. practically all my life Paris has been my goal my dream my motivation when life gets tough i'll tell myself to continue to work hard and not to give up and one day i'll save enough money all on my own and together with the Love of my life we'll have the most romantic time in the City of Love and share the most perfect moment ever up on the Eiffel Tower. but now i'll be going with all expenses paid and with no money to splurge on something really special and i'll be going with someone who isn't my love it makes me feel really hollow inside its like suddenly i have nothing to strive hard for i have nothing to look forward to i have nothing to hope for. i don't know if anyone realized but to me, Paris isn't merely a city a place. to me, Paris is a whole lot more. this isn't how i imagined my precious first time to Paris to be.
if you would allow me to be totally honest i'd have to admit that for the past half a year or so since day one of my job hunt i haven't been truly happy and contented from the bottom of my heart. its like something hugely significant is missing and somehow somewhere somewhat something is lacking. truth be told the main reason why i agreed to go to Paris apart from knowing that i'm needed was that i don't want to stay here anymore i want to be taken somewhere faraway to a place where i can push my job search worries out of my mind even if it were to be just for a short period of time. i want to run away. i want to be anywhere else but here. you know no one is really pressurizing me about this but do you know the immense pressure and burden that i have placed on myself? do you know how i feel when i send out loads of emails and not receive a single call? do you know how i feel when i get a hope in the form of a call or an interview but nothing comes out of it? do you know that till today i still can't entirely get over the one and only job that i wanted out of the several interviews that i went for the one that i was so close to getting but some other girl with more experience got the job instead? do you know how lousy i feel when i see my friends striving and working hard for their career while here i am not even with a job? do you know that every single day of my life i've been questioning why the fuck did i study so hard for when till this day i can't get a job? do you know how many times i've come home late in the night and just broken down in tears in front of my parents? do you know how much self control i've had to display just not to ask someone whom i know may be able to help just because i want to rely on myself and not have him look down on me? do you know how it feels to have people asking why aren't you working in a permanent position so much so that i don't dare to meet people whom i've not seen in a long while? do you know how i've been hating myself all these while how frustrated and pressured and worthless i've been feeling?
today i was asked about my thoughts if i were to be converted to a permanent position. i rejected without a second thought. today i was also asked to think about what it is that i like and want to pursue as a career and that position might be opened for me. i used to think i was someone who is so certain about what it is that she really wants i had my whole life mapped out right down to the tiniest details i was so sure about myself falling in love dating getting engaged getting married having kids at the intended ages i was so sure about the kind of work i'd like to do the type of house i'd like to live in the kind of life i'd like to lead the person i'd be. but at 23 suddenly i'm not so sure anymore. nothing has turned out according to plan and suddenly i have no clue whatsoever it is that i want i think i might be in a sudden quarter-life crisis. i know that of late i haven't been acting like myself i've been coming up with all sorts of nonsense that i would never ever have done and simply just screwing up my life just to fill the void but at the end of it all i still feel so hollow i still feel so empty i still feel so alone i don't feel the least bit happy. maybe i should just go to sleep and when tomorrow comes everything would be okay once more it would be another brand new day.
♥ princessj*<34:08 am