Saturday, 3 October 2009
Till The End Of October 
a couple days back a friend and i were having this conversation about the Irony of Life and truly life really is just so ironic sometimes don't you think. irony has been defined as 'incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs' and don't you realize that you could plan a whole life ahead of you but most of it never happens and sometimes even the opposite occurs instead? i'm the kind of person who has this whole perfect life mapped out in my mind right down to the minor detail and to be honest i don't want anything else but that life that i've spent all my life planning and dreaming of. but suddenly nothing seems to work out the way i want it to be at least not anymore. all those little wishes and dreams that i had none of them are coming true and perhaps they never would not anymore. suddenly i don't know what it is that i want anymore. everything that i thought i had everything that i've been living for perhaps that isn't what i want anymore maybe now i want something else something different something more. i think i've changed. the beliefs that i used to have the values that i could argue my heart out for the things i hated and the things i loved i no longer stand by them anymore. i used to be that pure innocent happy little girl. but not anymore. i'm scared of who i'm becoming. i'm scared of being. but suddenly i don't know who i am who to be anymore....
on another note i really really really miss my life of once upon a time. life just doesn't feel right somehow it feels wrong it feels empty it feels lonely it feels like something is missing something is lost something is gone. i miss seeing him. each time i turn round the corner to the washroom in the office and out perhaps it is out of old habit that i'd half expect to bump into him. or when i see a guy in a white shirt on the phone along the corridor my eyes play tricks on me and for that millisecond my heart leaps but then my head tells me it isn't him. its only been a week but i've missed him more this week than i have the entire year. you know i haven't really thought much about him the past month even forgetting sometimes his very existence. but for some strange reason ever since i started work once more he just can't get out of my mind and it is really driving me crazy i can't even date in peace he is like totally haunting my mind it is like some evil witch has cast a spell on me my love life is doomed!
you know i feel really dumb now. we had very differing views about how love and a relationship should be like and spent much time debating over them and suddenly i wake up one morning and realize that i have become the very person i once spent so much time and energy arguing against and that he has been right all along i suddenly understood what he meant what he was trying to put into words but it is too late now isn't it. he was the one who reminded me that my birthday is coming and then told me to plan for my party but you know what i don't want anything i just want to see him again i don't know why but ever since that last time when he came over i've been haunted by the thought that i'll never see him again it somehow felt like that was meant in a way to be the last goodbye. but i need to see him again because i looked like shit that last time i don't want him to leave my life remembering me that way! it is so ironic really i remember the first time he said that he'd send me home in two weeks' time i started planning a whole long list of what i had to first do like facial manicure haircut choose a really nice outfit choose which lip colour haha in the end the longest time we spent together was the time i looked the worst my hair was messy barely had any makeup on completely naked nails in shorts and slippers and red swollen eyes from before that hopefully were gone by the time he saw me my god! and i know this entry completely makes no sense i just had to say my piece and it is october already my birthday is coming! just tried on my birthday dresses awhile ago and they are all simply perfect i'm really excited have a good october one and all i already know mine would pretty much suck i just can't wait for the end of october!
♥ princessj*<39:10 pm